I'm a mess

1. No love

It was the way she tossed and turned throughout the night that let you that something was wrong. She is the heavy peaceful sleeper in the relationship while you are the light not so peaceful sleeper. You got into bed earlier than her which wasn’t usual as you needed to sleep earlier so as to get more sleep due to your bad sleeping habits but tonight the roles were reversed. She was more restless than you were.

It was another night in a month that she didn’t sleep well. Of course, you had asked what was wrong but she said that it was nothing so you just watch as she tossed again and hoped she would finally tell you what was wrong when the sunrise in about two and a half hours.

It had become a custom that whenever you couldn’t fall asleep you would look at her while holding her close and plan your life together evaluating and re-evaluating every possible scenario in your head. 

Everything was going according to plan until she had an accident and now your life revolved around excruciating pain and tears of physical therapy. She was getting better now she could walk on her own for a while before her legs couldn’t take it anymore but that didn’t stop her. She put one foot in front the other until now the point where her legs were fully functional and her back had fully healed.

The alarm clock pulls you away from your thoughts and she starts to stir awake. You turn the alarm off as you want for her to be fully awake before I ask her again what was wrong.

“Morning,” I say to her when her eyes meet mine.

“Morning.” She replies and pulls herself even closer to me.

“You have been moving around a lot at night. Can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong I just wasn’t that tired to sleep well.” She says as she pulls away from me and leaves the bed.

“I don’t believe you. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it.” I say as I follow her toward the bathroom.

“Can you get out I want to use the bathroom.” She says infuriated.

“Since when do you ask me to leave the bathroom?” I reply trying to stay calm but still wanting to get to the bottom of her problem.

“Please just leave. I don’t want to argue with you in the morning.”

“What did I do to make you hate me?” I ask already tired of fighting for the whole month.

“I don’t hate you I just…. Can you just leave?”

“Leave the house or leave you?” I ask knowing am taking a big risk on the second question.

“Both.” I turn and leave both.

2. Afraid

 You have the movers come to pack your things away. Mostly your office things cause there’s no way they would know what’s yours and what’s her’s although you both have different styles. You come at a time you know that she will be at the stables with the horses to avoid any further altercation. The media is already having a field day with speculation as to what is going on between the two of you. 

Due to your large closet, she is able to come back before you are done but fortunately, the movers have already left so you can have an argument if there’s a need to in the privacy of your own house but her own home. You come out to meet her but you wish you had just stayed in the closet and away from her.

“What are you doing here?” She asks.

No hello. No, you should have gone to the horses with me. Just a question that you ask an intruder in your home or that one annoying friend that turns up unexpectedly.

“I am just packing my stuff. Who is your colleague?”

“She is a friend of mine.”

“A friend. What is she doing in my house.”

“Let’s take a rain check on the coffee.” She says to her friend.

“Sure.” Her friend says and turns to leave after giving her a peck.

“What kind of friend gives one a kiss on the lips?”

“She is just a friend. We just talk and …”

“Talk? Talking? Last time I checked talking is cheating.”

“Talking between me and her is different between you and Alex. And you did cheat you chose to confide in her rather than me.”

“You always shut me down when I tried to talk to you.”

“You should have tried harder.”

“Are you kidding me? All I asked for was a look. A simple action to hold onto and for the millionth time talking doesn’t constitute to cheating.”

“It’s been six months. I am tired of constantly fighting with you. I’ll say this before it makes it to the tabloids, we have been out for a couple of weeks now and I like where it’s going.”

“I am not going to sit on the sidelines and watch her take my place.”

You walk up to her and push your lips to hers then turn around a leave before she can think of what to say.

3. I'm a mess

You try to forget her but you can't. You still remember all the little things and the huge things. You have thought about it. You thought about it countless times. They say the best way to get over one person is to get under another. So you did. You decided to go to the club and get one and get under her. You put on your best outfit and head to the club but when you go there you couldn't go through with it. 

The truth is you have been with one woman for a very long time that being with another sense out of script so you buy a Jack Daniel put it in the passenger seat and drive off. You come to a traffic stop and you turn your head to the right wanting to say something to her and that's when it hits you. She isn't there. Her has been replaced by a him. 

A him that just happens to be a whiskey bottle. You want to get angry and cry at how ironic the situation is. She was always the reasonable person who thought things out and you were always in the moment kind of person. An in-the-moment kind of person so much that you reached over to open the Jack Daniel while driving.

You realized how dumb you were when you felt pain all over your body. The car she had gifted you with was now totaled and upside down on the side of the road. So you made a conscious decision before you passed out. You made the decision that you would get your life back on track.